Holidays are always a mixed bag of emotions for most of us. This Thanksgiving was, in many ways, one of our family’s best. All the kids were home, everyone got along, it was relaxing and totally fun. But for me, something occurred that opened some very old wounds and left me feeling completely deflated.
We were out shopping with our sons and I found something I liked. I asked my husband what he thought of it and he unleashed a sarcastic, chiding comment that both pissed me off and embarrassed me. Not wanting to start an argument in public, I closed my mouth and swallowed my feelings. When we got home, I told him how he’d made me feel and he apologized. But I have continued to feel angry, sad, hurt and alone. These feelings are old and most of the time they remain buried in a lock box in my heart. But every now and then something happens to unlock the box and all of the hurt washes over me again. And here I sit, not knowing how to put it all back in the box.
So, I wonder, is there a way to empty the box? Is it possible to address these feelings once and for all? I just don’t know. I love my husband and we’ve been married a very long time. We have a terrific family and a good life together. Neither of us is perfect and I know he loves me. But there are just some issues between us that have always been there and after all these years, I’m not sure they’ll ever go away. Most of the time, I’m able to keep these things in perspective. But right now, I can’t. Right now, I feel like the 21-year-old girl who married young and had no idea how to advocate for herself or how to use her voice. I feel unheard, unimportant and unappreciated.
This will blow over eventually. It always does. I just wish I knew how to empty that lock box once and for all.